[ rather than reply back to the text message, he opts to put his phone away and visit him in person. he is still learning the layout of hell, so biweekly trips through the pride ring have become habitual. if something happens, he doesn’t want to be a burden by not knowing his surroundings.
know thy enemy, in a sense.
once he has returned to the hotel and checked up on charlie, he makes his way to the room he knows his brother is currently either sulking or sleeping in. erring on the side of caution, just in case he is asleep, he lets himself in and eventually crawls into the bed beside him.
if he’s learned anything since arriving here, it’s that lucifer is a lighter sleeper. by now, he is likely aware of the fact that he has company. without further ado, michael wraps his arms around his middle and calls his wings out so he can drape a few of them over him like a blanket. something they used to do when they were both so hideously naive to the bigger picture. ]
I know you said you wanted to be alone, but you have been for far too long. Share the burden, Lucifer, you no longer have to suffer alone.
[ still holding him, he curls into his back and closes his eyes. when one can’t find the words, sometimes actions are the determining factor and speak far louder. ]
[ lucifer is not deeply asleep. he never is, but even this is lighter than usual, an uneasy doze when he just got too tired of being sad to stay awake. and he's been alone in his misery for a long time, so he's used to it. why wouldn't he be? he doesn't want to argue with michael, he doesn't want to bring anyone else down, so he may as well just curl up in bed on his own and do this, which is nothing.
but yes, he's definitely aware by the time michael climbs into the bed with him. he says nothing but he doesn't turn further away from him either. he's tense when michael's arms wrap around him, but not because of his twin: he shifts minutely, exhales slowly, and sinks into the embrace. ]
I don't want to lash out at you when what I'm feeling isn't your fault.
[ his voice is quiet and subdued but the tone of it is even, which is a start. he closes his eyes again, curling into the way michael leans into him, and releases a shaking breath.
he doesn't want to talk about it. he doesn't want to talk about anything.
he opens his mouth anyway. ]
I'm just tired. I get more and more tired every day and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what would at this point. I'm afraid of pushing you away, of somehow pushing Charlie away, but I'm a fucking mess, Michael. I have been for thousands of years. And then he just—he just fucking pretends like everything should be fine? Like he didn't do this to me? Like I'm going to just say okay dad, let's talk again like you didn't throw me out like some fucking garbage! Like you didn't make sure I would never, ever, ever, see any of the good from what I did, that I would only ever see the worst in people, so I'd—so I'd give up. So I'd stop dreaming. Because dreaming is bad. Because wanting the people you love to be able to think for themselves is bad. Because I'm—
[ bad. so much for not talking about it. he doesn't finish the sentence, but he doesn't have to. ]
If it is between lashing out at me or yourself, I think the choice is obvious. Bottling it up is dangerous, you’ll only sink further and further into despair. Eventually, it may come to a point where you are so reclusive that you forget about us.
Let me in. Let us in, so that we can shoulder some of that pain. I didn’t come here to watch you break, I came here to help you find your ability to dream again. You may not realize it, but you have already started to.
[ he holds him for the duration of his speech, resting his forehead against his shoulder once he concludes it. ]
He couldn’t keep all of the good things away from you. The best of them is currently sleeping four rooms away, dreaming regardless of what heaven initially planned. In time, I think she may even rival your optimism. No matter how far you travel in the dark, we will always be there to lead you out again.
[ lifting his head, he leans over and presses a kiss to his temple. the gesture is such a small one, but he hopes it will do something for him. looking down upon him, his expression is nothing less than resolute. ]
Don’t let them win, Lucifer, you aren’t capable of being a bad person. Even now, jaded as you are, there is still a light in you. Show them that, not only will you thrive, but you will help them thrive as well.
[ resolute, but whispered nonetheless. it's all he says for a long time, but he listens to everything michael has to say.
and michael is right, as michael almost always is. that much has been so familiar, so easy to recall and lean into and know that the things he says are, at the very least, the truth for michael himself. and most days that's enough to serve a reminder for lucifer, to pull him out of a spiral.
today is one of those days, happily enough, and he leans into the kiss to his temple before turning slowly in his arms and curling in close against his chest, tangling their legs together and angling his own face in to brush a kiss to his jaw, chaste enough despite the location of it. ]
You and Charlie are the good things in my life. The good things he couldn't take away from me.
[ he had, in a way, taken michael from him for so, so long, but now lucifer has michael again and nothing will change that. of the few things lucifer is absolutely sure of, that's one of them.
he smiles finally, though it still looks a bit sad, and he lifts his hand to cradle the side of michael's face. ]
You're both too bright of a light for this dark place. Lighter than I've been in a long time. But hey, maybe it'll turn my own lamp up higher to join you.
When you hide away in the dark, it frightens me. We are both well aware of what lurks in the shadows, I just—we just—can’t lose you.
[ unsure, his voice falls to a whisper. ] That is something too terrible to comprehend, it would break me.
He can’t and won’t, of that I’m certain. If he is attempting to reach out to you now, that must mean something has changed—either here or there.
[ they still fit together so flawlessly even after all of these years, one might be led to believe it has only been a few years since they embraced like this rather than ten thousand. once he has turned over and managed to get comfortable, he reclaims him with his arms.
at the touch, he tilts his head and leans into it. ]
Who do you think gave us that light? Without you loving us as much as you do, we would not be where we are now. At the present, I’m only holding onto your light until you are ready to take it again. Until that day, I will protect it, you and Charlie with my life.
[ ah. to see even michael with insecurity to him pains lucifer and feels like a heavy weight in his chest.
he reaches to cradle his twin's face with both hands instead of just one, letting him talk through it all before answering. his eyes are so much the same as all those years ago: though the color has changed the same emotions all sit in them. he just looks a moment before tipping in to press a kiss to his forehead. ]
You won't lose me, Michael. Not again. I'm right here in front of you and that's where I'll stay.
[ as for the rest, well. ]
If something has changed, if he's changed, he's going to have to prove it before I'll so much as answer him.
[ he sighs with a little smile, moving even closer to wrap his arms around him and tuck his face in against his shoulder. not hiding, just comfortable. ]
You have your own light to accompany mine. Do you think I'm leading myself out of the dark through you? You always talk about how I've been your light, but who do you think has been mine?
[ there had been a time, during their separation, that it had been lilith. they had bounced off of one another perfectly, sun and moon. and then lilith had left and almost all of the light had gone out, guttering weakly in the shadows.
but now, with michael back with him, it's building back up again slowly. not a snail's pace, perhaps, but a little sweetly aching for how he needs time.
[ the same eyes but red—a fate that may have been bestowed upon him by their father but it was his voice that read the decree, and his hand that commanded the others to advance on him. if he thinks hard enough, he can still remember the days when his eyes were as blue as the sky and just as endless.
his face melts against his touch, eyes closing shortly before he kisses his forehead. ]
It isn’t you that I doubt, it’s myself. If I could be swayed once before, it can be done again. I know it sounds strange, knowing he hasn’t spoken to me since I left, but the fact that it could happen is always in the back of my mind. If I hurt you again, I—
[ it would shatter him like a pane of glass because not only will he have failed again, but Charlie would also suffer. he sighs, resting his cheek against his hair once he gets comfortable. idly, he reaches over and runs his fingers through his twin’s hair as he gives a soft nod at what he says about him. pressing the topic now would just upset him further, so he latches onto the subject change. ]
Even at my strongest, my light will never outshine yours. The only reason it burns as brightly at it does now is because you are with me.
[ his wings disappear, allowing him to draw him even closer after he tells him he loves him. even now, after hearing it dozens of times since he chose to fall, he can feel the way his heart flutters. ]
[ the change of his eye color is the least of his problems, frankly. but sometimes he can see the aches in michael's eyes when he looks at them and only then is when he feels self conscious about that particular aspect: they're not identical anymore and that sits heavy with him, and michael is always aware of it when he looks at lucifer. sometimes, looking at michael, lucifer himself can forget. seeing only one half of them just means they look the same.
he hums softly as michael cuts off, gripping his chin gently with one hand to press a kiss to his mouth this time, also chaste but pointed. ]
You won't. If I have faith left in me for anything, it's for you. I don't doubt you.
[ sacreligious to a huge degree, but lucifer doesn't care. he's the literal devil.
he just curls in closer once michael lets his wings disappear, pressing their foreheads together for as long as he'll be allowed to and breathing slowly.
It continues to baffle me how much faith you have in me, especially when—
[ looking apologetic, he returns the kiss and smiles into it. enough talk about the past, bringing it up again will only cause more pain for them both and he came here to comfort, not pull him even deeper into his grief. ]
I look forward to ensuring that you never forget it again, by whatever means necessary.
[ a light jest as he resumes petting his hair. he is hopeful that his presence will comfort him enough to let him fall asleep and enjoy a few restful hours. neither of them have pressing matters to attend to right now, at least. ]
You should try to rest, I have no intention of leaving before you wake again. I’m unsure I could even blink without you hearing it.
[ the words may seem cruel, but the tone is gentled, just a reminder. he takes a breath, leans into the petting even if the comment earns a snort. ]
Whatever means necessary? Don't threaten me with a good time.
[ ba dum ch. he is relaxing though, enough that he can just settle and let his eyes close, resting against michael fully as he just lets himself sink into something more restful. ]
Always work to do. I'll take advantage of the moment while it's here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
closed to applesolutely
[ rather than reply back to the text message, he opts to put his phone away and visit him in person. he is still learning the layout of hell, so biweekly trips through the pride ring have become habitual. if something happens, he doesn’t want to be a burden by not knowing his surroundings.
know thy enemy, in a sense.
once he has returned to the hotel and checked up on charlie, he makes his way to the room he knows his brother is currently either sulking or sleeping in. erring on the side of caution, just in case he is asleep, he lets himself in and eventually crawls into the bed beside him.
if he’s learned anything since arriving here, it’s that lucifer is a lighter sleeper. by now, he is likely aware of the fact that he has company. without further ado, michael wraps his arms around his middle and calls his wings out so he can drape a few of them over him like a blanket. something they used to do when they were both so hideously naive to the bigger picture. ]
I know you said you wanted to be alone, but you have been for far too long. Share the burden, Lucifer, you no longer have to suffer alone.
[ still holding him, he curls into his back and closes his eyes. when one can’t find the words, sometimes actions are the determining factor and speak far louder. ]
no subject
but yes, he's definitely aware by the time michael climbs into the bed with him. he says nothing but he doesn't turn further away from him either. he's tense when michael's arms wrap around him, but not because of his twin: he shifts minutely, exhales slowly, and sinks into the embrace. ]
I don't want to lash out at you when what I'm feeling isn't your fault.
[ his voice is quiet and subdued but the tone of it is even, which is a start. he closes his eyes again, curling into the way michael leans into him, and releases a shaking breath.
he doesn't want to talk about it. he doesn't want to talk about anything.
he opens his mouth anyway. ]
I'm just tired. I get more and more tired every day and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what would at this point. I'm afraid of pushing you away, of somehow pushing Charlie away, but I'm a fucking mess, Michael. I have been for thousands of years. And then he just—he just fucking pretends like everything should be fine? Like he didn't do this to me? Like I'm going to just say okay dad, let's talk again like you didn't throw me out like some fucking garbage! Like you didn't make sure I would never, ever, ever, see any of the good from what I did, that I would only ever see the worst in people, so I'd—so I'd give up. So I'd stop dreaming. Because dreaming is bad. Because wanting the people you love to be able to think for themselves is bad. Because I'm—
[ bad. so much for not talking about it. he doesn't finish the sentence, but he doesn't have to. ]
no subject
Let me in. Let us in, so that we can shoulder some of that pain. I didn’t come here to watch you break, I came here to help you find your ability to dream again. You may not realize it, but you have already started to.
[ he holds him for the duration of his speech, resting his forehead against his shoulder once he concludes it. ]
He couldn’t keep all of the good things away from you. The best of them is currently sleeping four rooms away, dreaming regardless of what heaven initially planned. In time, I think she may even rival your optimism. No matter how far you travel in the dark, we will always be there to lead you out again.
[ lifting his head, he leans over and presses a kiss to his temple. the gesture is such a small one, but he hopes it will do something for him. looking down upon him, his expression is nothing less than resolute. ]
Don’t let them win, Lucifer, you aren’t capable of being a bad person. Even now, jaded as you are, there is still a light in you. Show them that, not only will you thrive, but you will help them thrive as well.
no subject
[ resolute, but whispered nonetheless. it's all he says for a long time, but he listens to everything michael has to say.
and michael is right, as michael almost always is. that much has been so familiar, so easy to recall and lean into and know that the things he says are, at the very least, the truth for michael himself. and most days that's enough to serve a reminder for lucifer, to pull him out of a spiral.
today is one of those days, happily enough, and he leans into the kiss to his temple before turning slowly in his arms and curling in close against his chest, tangling their legs together and angling his own face in to brush a kiss to his jaw, chaste enough despite the location of it. ]
You and Charlie are the good things in my life. The good things he couldn't take away from me.
[ he had, in a way, taken michael from him for so, so long, but now lucifer has michael again and nothing will change that. of the few things lucifer is absolutely sure of, that's one of them.
he smiles finally, though it still looks a bit sad, and he lifts his hand to cradle the side of michael's face. ]
You're both too bright of a light for this dark place. Lighter than I've been in a long time. But hey, maybe it'll turn my own lamp up higher to join you.
no subject
[ unsure, his voice falls to a whisper. ] That is something too terrible to comprehend, it would break me.
He can’t and won’t, of that I’m certain. If he is attempting to reach out to you now, that must mean something has changed—either here or there.
[ they still fit together so flawlessly even after all of these years, one might be led to believe it has only been a few years since they embraced like this rather than ten thousand. once he has turned over and managed to get comfortable, he reclaims him with his arms.
at the touch, he tilts his head and leans into it. ]
Who do you think gave us that light? Without you loving us as much as you do, we would not be where we are now. At the present, I’m only holding onto your light until you are ready to take it again. Until that day, I will protect it, you and Charlie with my life.
no subject
he reaches to cradle his twin's face with both hands instead of just one, letting him talk through it all before answering. his eyes are so much the same as all those years ago: though the color has changed the same emotions all sit in them. he just looks a moment before tipping in to press a kiss to his forehead. ]
You won't lose me, Michael. Not again. I'm right here in front of you and that's where I'll stay.
[ as for the rest, well. ]
If something has changed, if he's changed, he's going to have to prove it before I'll so much as answer him.
[ he sighs with a little smile, moving even closer to wrap his arms around him and tuck his face in against his shoulder. not hiding, just comfortable. ]
You have your own light to accompany mine. Do you think I'm leading myself out of the dark through you? You always talk about how I've been your light, but who do you think has been mine?
[ there had been a time, during their separation, that it had been lilith. they had bounced off of one another perfectly, sun and moon. and then lilith had left and almost all of the light had gone out, guttering weakly in the shadows.
but now, with michael back with him, it's building back up again slowly. not a snail's pace, perhaps, but a little sweetly aching for how he needs time.
eventually, he murmurs just against his ear. ]
I'll always love you no matter what happens.
no subject
his face melts against his touch, eyes closing shortly before he kisses his forehead. ]
It isn’t you that I doubt, it’s myself. If I could be swayed once before, it can be done again. I know it sounds strange, knowing he hasn’t spoken to me since I left, but the fact that it could happen is always in the back of my mind. If I hurt you again, I—
[ it would shatter him like a pane of glass because not only will he have failed again, but Charlie would also suffer. he sighs, resting his cheek against his hair once he gets comfortable. idly, he reaches over and runs his fingers through his twin’s hair as he gives a soft nod at what he says about him. pressing the topic now would just upset him further, so he latches onto the subject change. ]
Even at my strongest, my light will never outshine yours. The only reason it burns as brightly at it does now is because you are with me.
[ his wings disappear, allowing him to draw him even closer after he tells him he loves him. even now, after hearing it dozens of times since he chose to fall, he can feel the way his heart flutters. ]
I love you too, I always have and always will.
no subject
he hums softly as michael cuts off, gripping his chin gently with one hand to press a kiss to his mouth this time, also chaste but pointed. ]
You won't. If I have faith left in me for anything, it's for you. I don't doubt you.
[ sacreligious to a huge degree, but lucifer doesn't care. he's the literal devil.
he just curls in closer once michael lets his wings disappear, pressing their foreheads together for as long as he'll be allowed to and breathing slowly.
finally, he murmurs. ]
I know that now.
no subject
[ looking apologetic, he returns the kiss and smiles into it. enough talk about the past, bringing it up again will only cause more pain for them both and he came here to comfort, not pull him even deeper into his grief. ]
I look forward to ensuring that you never forget it again, by whatever means necessary.
[ a light jest as he resumes petting his hair. he is hopeful that his presence will comfort him enough to let him fall asleep and enjoy a few restful hours. neither of them have pressing matters to attend to right now, at least. ]
You should try to rest, I have no intention of leaving before you wake again. I’m unsure I could even blink without you hearing it.
You may not get a chance to nap later.
no subject
[ the words may seem cruel, but the tone is gentled, just a reminder. he takes a breath, leans into the petting even if the comment earns a snort. ]
Whatever means necessary? Don't threaten me with a good time.
[ ba dum ch. he is relaxing though, enough that he can just settle and let his eyes close, resting against michael fully as he just lets himself sink into something more restful. ]
Always work to do. I'll take advantage of the moment while it's here.
[ acquiescence. a compromise. he can do that. ]